


Dedicate your Heart

by V0IDDE4N



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dead Erwin Smith, Death, M/M, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Pain, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V0IDDE4N/pseuds/V0IDDE4N
Summary: it's erwin's funeral and levi tries to figure out how to go on without him
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	Dedicate your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to the certified anime simps gc  
> special thanks to sarajamss on tiktok for making me sail this ship
> 
> enjoy the pain
> 
> i apologise for mistakes as english is not my first language

Memories are a cruel thing, Levi thought as he stared down at the grave of the man that had once been his Commander. Erwin Smith has charged into battle for a last time, taking roughly two hundred soldiers with him and leading everyone to death. Almost everyone. One person survived, yet Levi wasn't sure if that was a good thing after all. Death changes people and rarely for the better. Erwin's death however changes a lot more. 

They had one chance, one serum that would turn him into a Titan. One extra life. But Erwin wasn't the only one dying. Armin Arlet, a soldier from his squad, Eren and Mikasa's best friend, was dying as well. His first instinct had been to save Erwin, of course. Erwin was their Commander, he came up with their strategies, he saved as many as he could. It was because of him that they came this far. Why didn't he..? 

"Tsk" 

Levi turned around and left the crowded place. Hange was holding a speech about Erwin's bravery that Levi would have loved to comment on, calling him a reckless idiot instead. He leaned against a nearby tree, watching everything from afar now. In his mind he was asking himself over and over again if he made the right decision. Armin was smart. Because of him they could find Reiner. Because of him they found out about Annie. Levi knew that he was important. But was that child more important than his Commander? 

He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. He would never know. Ever since that day in Shiganshina he has been asking himself the same question over and over again. There is no answer. They will never be. He had to hope he made the right decision. He had to hope that Armin would be worth it. 

"Levi" 

Hange's voice interrupted his thoughts and he opened his eyes to look at her. She was smiling but he could see through that. Hange was tough but she wasn't really good at hiding her emotions. Not like him. Then again, nobody was as good as Levi. 

"Everyone's leaving. I thought you might want to go back for a little privacy. I'll make sure nobody disturbs you." 

"What for?" 

The Captain asked and pushed himself away from the tree. If everyone left he would too. Staying there any longer meant facing his emotions. It meant realising his loss. 

Hange reached out her hand and grabbed Levi's wrist. They stared at each other for a moment. Hange was in many ways different from Erwin. But in one aspect they were both the same. After years of spending time with Levi and annoying him, they figured him out. Not everything about him but small details that were invisble to others. A few looks nobody used to be able to interpret, a few moods that looked the same to everyone else, a shift in his voice that nobody could hear but them. 

"Ten minutes" 

She said and let go. Levi didn't react at all but his feet were taking him towards Erwin's grave now. His hands were resting by his sides. He didn't know what to do with them. He stood there with his back straightened to stare down at Erwin but there was nothing left of his Commander. What would he even say to a pile of dirt and dust? 

"Reckless idiot", 

was the first thing he mumbled. He wasn't insulting Erwin. This time he was referring to himself. After Isabel and Furlan he made a promise to himself. He swore that he would never let anyone come that close to him again. He promised to not give a part of his heart away to anyone else ever again. Loving meant losing. It meant suffering. Back then, when his comrades, his friends died in front of his eyes he asked himself "Why not me?" Until this day he couldn't figure it out. And while there had been no reason back then for him to survive he made sure that every titan that he met regretted letting him live. 

After their deaths Erwin had asked Levi to stay in his office for a while. The young soldier wanted to be everywhere but with the Commander. He hated him so much. Levi expected him to get scolded for recklessly killing the Titan that had murdered his friends. But the Commander didn't scold him at all. He did something way worse. He asked that one question he tried to avoid. 

"How are you feeling?" 

Levi heard a grumbling in the distance and looked up. The clouds were coming together, forming one big grey mass that covered most of the sky and sun. It would rain soon. But ten minutes weren't over yet. 

Memories were a cruel thing, he thought again and lowered his gaze. 

"Give up on your dreams and die" 

He had said that in the battle of Shiganshina. And then never again. Two hundred soldiers lost their lives to defeat one Titan and Levi wasn't even able to kill him. Two hundred soldiers charged to their deaths with their wildest battle scream. Two hundred soldiers were shredded by rocks and died a meaningless death. Two hundred soldiers and their Commander; Erwin. 

Levi's life was full of regrets; choices not taken and words not spoken. He pushed all his memories aside. He tried not to think about any of them for longer than a few seconds. If he did that he would allow himself to be vulnerable. His methods of ignorance worked quite well until the grumbling noise came back and he remembered a night with similar weather conditions. 

It wasn't that long ago. Levi had agreed to stay with Erwin for the night. Maybe it had been because the Commander had seemed lost, like a broken tool that couldn't function without anyone's help since he had lost his arm or maybe it had been simply because Erwin had asked him to stay. 

Either way they had been sharing the same bed that night. This had never happened before and Levi had not known what to do at that time. He had felt oddly comfortable and yet uncomfortable at the same time. Erwin had stayed silent. Since Levi had been resting on his right side he had feared getting too close to the Commander. There had been no arm to keep him from touching the Commander's chest, it was a dangerous situation. So he had stayed on his side. 

But then his mind had started wandering. Why had he been there in the Commander's bed? Why had they been just lying next to each other in silence? This hadn't been his first time in a bed with the Commander but it had been the first time of just lying there. He had been wearinv clothes too. Then suddenly he had realised. 

In one swift movement Levi had swung himself on top of Erwin. His knees had been resting next to the Commander's thighs and his fists had been stemmed into the mattress next to his shoulders. The Commander had raised a brow in curiosity. He had been waiting for Levi to say something and when he couldn't, his own lips had parted slightly. 

"I'm in love with you, Levi Ackermann." 

His rough voice had said and the Captain had froze. He hadn't expect that. Even worse he hadn't been able to say it back. Even if he had felt the same way — which he hadn't been sure he did— how could he just say that? Erwin had reached out his arm to cup Levi's cheek. His thumb had been stroking it carefully before trailing along the Captain's lower lip. 

"You're beautiful, Levi Ackermann." 

And you're a dead man, he had wanted to say but not a single sound had left his throat. Even his breath had got stuck and he had struggled to keep his guard up. Hiding his emotions was easy but Erwin had always found ways of breaking down the walls Levi had built. His defense had only been as strong as Wall Maria and the Commander was the Colossal Titan. 

The Captain had stayed silent. He had never been a man of many words. They failed him all the time. It was one of the reasons why he admired Erwin. His speeches could move every soldier's heart. His soft words, whispers exchanged when nobody was there, could make Levi's beat faster. At this moment as well, Levi's heart had been beating wildly in his chest. He had tried so hard to seal his feelings off, make himself unavailable for everyone. Yet Erwin had walked into his heart as if the doors were wide open for him. He had settled down there as if his heart belonged to him only. And Levi had let him. 

He had no reason to fight a battle that had been lost long ago. His heart belonged to Erwin, he couldn't change that. But now his heart was buried in the cold dirt, in the hands of a dead man. All that was left now was the memory, the regret of the choices not made and the words not spoken. 

"I am in love with you, too, Erwin" 

The words sounded so easy in theory but they didn't go over his lips as smoothly. 

"You are beautiful, too, Erwin." 

What an understatement. Levi wasn't sure if the right words to describe Erwin's beauty even existed. He looked like a deity. Beautiful and yet dangerous. His body was built, the muscles defining his arms and legs. His chest was hard — yet soft enough to rest your head against. For one last time he wished he could lean his head against Erwin's chest and listen to his calming heartbeat. 

Rain started falling. With every drop, mud splashed and soiled his boots and pants. It was a heavy rainfall. His ten minutes were almost over. Levi still hadn't talked. Not since he called himself a reckless idiot. Even now his words were failing him. 

Thunder was rumbling quietly in the background. He thought back to that night. His lips parted slightly, as if he was ready to finally talk but then they closed again. He couldn't. He couldn't say it back then and he couldn't say it now. What difference would it make either way? Erwin had died without knowing what Levi felt for him. He hadn't cared about it when he was alive, he has had enough love for the both of them. Now there was no love left at all. Levi heard Erwin's voice echoing in his mind. 

"Dedicate your heart" 

He said. 

"My soldiers rage. My soldiers scream. My soldiers fight." 

He yelled. 

"I am in love with you, Levi Ackermann." 

He whispered. 

The Captain reached his hand up to his chest, clenching it into a fist. His eyes were fixed on the horizon somewhere. He saw the walls in the far distance and beneath the sound of grumbling thunder he believed to hear the screams of two hundred soldiers riding to their deaths. Two hundred soldiers and their commander. 

"Dedicate your heart." 

Levi said. He took a deep breath and hit his own chest right above his heart. 

"Dedicate your heart, Ackermann." 

He repeated and hit himself again. The rain was pouring down. He almost feared that the rain would carry the dirt away and dig up Erwin's corpse. It was a horrible scenario. 

"I dedicated my heart." 

He whispered and hit his chest once more. His lips were trembling and his gaze was still fixed to a meaningless point on the horizon. 

"I dedicated my heart to you." 

His mouth opened slightly and a gasp left his lips. Levi broke down to the ground. His knees sunk into the mud but for once he couldn't care less about the dirt on his clothes. He said it. He finally said it. 

"Erwin Smith" 

His eyes were shifting from one side to the other as he read the engraving over and over again. 

"We die trusting the living who follow to find meaning in our lives." 

He heard Erwin's voice saying. In this moment Levi gave himself a purpose. He did that before when Isabell and Furlan died. He gave himself a purpose in life, a cause to dedicate his heart too. Since Levi had no dream he needed a purpose to keep going. 

He would dedicate himself to Erwin's vision. He would find out the truth about the world outside of the walls and he would make sure that the beast titan would die by his own hands. 

"Levi" 

Hange's voice was like anchor. She was always there, making sure that Levi didn't lose himself. Nobody else would have noticed how much he was struggling but she did. He couldn't know but before charging to the Shiganshina battle Erwin had asked Hange to take care of Levi should he not return. The three of them had always been close so obviously she agreed. Levi didn't know about this arrangement but he assumed that something like that must have happened. He knew Erwin well enough. 

The Captain got up to one knee and took a last look at Erwin's grave. He would return in a year and repeat his promise if he hadn't been able to fulfill his purpose — or he would return in a year and be able to tell Erwin about his victory. Either way he would be back in a year. 

Levi fixed his cape and stood up. He turned towards Hange and ignored her while leaving the graveyard. Too many people were buried here. He'd make sure that no more would follow. 

He'd dedicate his heart to it.


End file.
